


Who's thinking about you now?

by whatdoyoucallafemaletimelord



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Fix-It, M/M, post - City of Lost Souls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 17:45:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatdoyoucallafemaletimelord/pseuds/whatdoyoucallafemaletimelord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had only broken up a few weeks ago, so it was still new. Sometimes he forgot—like just now—and almost picked up the phone to call Magnus, or found himself on the way to his apartment, or reached for him in the middle of the night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who's thinking about you now?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thefaultinourangels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefaultinourangels/gifts).



> Merry Christmas darling! I hope you like it.
> 
> Title from the song by Jason Mraz.

Alec suddenly became aware of someone holding him tightly around the waist. He smiled and leaned back into the embrace, at once pleasantly warm. The owner of the tanned arms that held him nipped playfully at his ear, causing a giggle to bubble up from his throat. "That tickles," he complained. Alec felt a tongue swipe over the shell of his ear by way of response. "I said, that tickles!"

"Why do you think I'm doing it?" a low voice asked. Goosebumps appeared on the back of Alec's neck. The man holding him smiled with satisfaction, then lowered his mouth to Alec's neck to continue his work.

Alec squirmed again at the sensation of a tongue ghosting over his skin. "Quit fidgeting," the voice behind him commanded. Alec ignored this order. The building heat in his pants protested him staying still. He turned in the golden arms that held him and reached for the other man's face. As Alec was pulling him in for a proper kiss, he saw his features twist and distort in repulsion.

"Magnus, what—"

Alec broke off as Magnus took a few steps back from him. A full-length mirror now stood in his place, showing Alec the cause of Magnus's disgust. Staring back Alec was a eighty-year-old version of himself. Wrinkles covered his face, which was framed by thin, white hair. He looked just like he had when the Seelie Queen put a glamour on him for laughing in her court, and then proceeded to taunt him about his mortality. She had only increased his fears about the fate of his and Magnus's relationship that day.

And now that Magnus had seen him old and decrepit, and reacted in the way that he had, all of Alec's worst fears had been confirmed.

Magnus would not want him when his health began to fail as he aged. He would have no desire whatsoever to stick around for some ancient human, even though he himself was ancient, despite his appearance. He probably wouldn't even wait for Alec to get old before leaving him. He'd want to have some young, pretty thing to show off at all times, and would have no problem exchanging Alec in just a few years' time. He'd—

Alec's eyes flew open. He gasped for air as if he'd just been underwater and his heart pounded against his chest. "Mag..." The name died on his lips as he turned his head to the side in search of his partner, only to find empty sheets.

He turned back towards the ceiling and laid a hand over his face. They had only broken up a few weeks ago, so it was still new. Sometimes he forgot—like just now—and almost picked up the phone to call Magnus, or found himself on the way to his apartment, or reached for him in the middle of the night.

Sighing, he dropped his hand and pulled the covers over his head. He tried to let himself be comforted by their warmth but it was a worthless effort. Alec knew the only warmth that could comfort him could only be provided by a certain warlock that didn't want him anymore.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Magnus woke to a face full of fur. He spat some out of his mouth and scrunched up his nose as he leaned back until Chairman Meow came into focus. The Chairman purred on happily, ignorant of Magnus's displeasure.

It didn't help that he had a pounding headache from the party he'd thrown the night before. The only clear thoughts his mind could form were _aspirin_ and _water_. It seemed even warlocks were not immune to such mundane things as hangovers.

He threw back the covers and stood a bit too quickly, nearly falling backwards onto the bed. Once he had steadied himself, he shuffled to the adjoining bathroom. Magnus flinched as he flicked on the bright lights. As quickly as possible, he retrieved the necessary pain relievers from the medicine cabinet and stumbled back to bed.

He couldn't help but doze off again, and when he woke once more, afternoon sunlight was streaming through the blinds and Chairman Meow was gone. His sleep was unfulfilling; he had slept continuously but had a niggling feeling in the back of his mind that he had dreamt but he could not remember who or what about. Magnus scratched his head, frowning.

Giving up on remembering the dream, whatever it may have been, he rose carefully, not wanting another near-accident. When he reached his dresser, he began to search for an outfit that would be suitable to wear for a client he had coming over later. He was looking for something relatively plain, although it would probably still be considered flashy by others' standards. His fingers found a black long-sleeve top towards the bottom of one drawer and he pulled it out, brows furrowed. He didn't remember ever purchasing something _this_ plain.

Slowly, his eyebrows relaxed back into their normal positions on his face as he realized the shirt belonged to Alec. He stared down at it in his hands for a moment before letting it slip through his fingers.

Overcome by a sudden rage, Magnus began to violently rummage through the remainder of his drawers in search of any of Alec's other possessions that may have been left behind. He didn't need any more reminders of his Shadowhunter and the pain he had caused him.

With eyes stinging from holding back tears— _how mundane of him_ —Magnus gathered up the shirt he found first along with a tank top and a couple of pairs of boxers. Too impatient and too angry to make it all the way to the garbage can, he strode to the nearest window and flung it open. He hurled the clothes out onto the Manhattan street waiting below and slammed the window shut behind him.

He pressed his back up against the wall and slid down to the floor. Once in a sitting position, he put his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out all emotions, as if they were physical objects he could shield himself from. He stayed like that until the doorbell rang a few hours later, and he rose to greet his client, never bothering to change out of his pajamas.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

It had been two weeks and Alec's dreams weren't any better. If anything, they had gotten worse. The—he wouldn't exactly call them nightmares, since they weren't altogether unpleasant—disrupted his sleep nearly every night. And in a sick, sort of twisted way he looked forward to them, or at least their beginnings.

They always started out nicely, with Magnus hugging him from behind, or playing with his hair, or whispering in his ear. Sometimes Magnus would be kissing him fervently, or trying to undress him, but Alec preferred he dreams that had a slow build. That was not always the case in actuality of course, but the longer they prolonged the act of making love, the longer amount of time they had before the dream turned sour. He wanted nothing more than to live in that fantasy world where time didn't exist forever, perpetually wrapped up in Magnus.

But without fail, every time they came close to coming skin-to-skin, every single time, something impossible happened and Magnus was wrenched away from him, which just made everything worse. It would be bad enough just to have to wake up from a fantastic dream to face the reality of the situation, but to have it all taken away from him in different, creative ways while he still slept was bordering on cruel. So he hated his subconscious, and at the same loved it for allowing him to briefly travel back in time, as if their last conversation had never happened. Each dream felt so _real_ that it physically hurt him each time he woke, he wanted it so badly. But those few moments of happiness were worth the anguish that followed.

Or at least they had been until recently.

Alec jolted awake, covered in cold sweat, yelling something vaguely similar to Magnus's name. A few seconds later, Jace burst through the door with a frenzied look on his face, knife in hand, afraid that his parabatai might be in trouble.

When he saw Alec lying in bed, panting but otherwise okay, he visibly relaxed, the tension going out of his body. "By the Angel," he said on the exhale of a breath. "Are you all right?"

Alec took a second to respond. "Fine. Just... dreaming again. You can go back to bed."

Jace lingered in the doorway. "Are you sure?"

"Jace, go back to bed."

The dangerous tone of Alec's voice left no other questions. Jace retreated from the room, the door clicking shut behind him.

Alec rolled over and punched his pillow. This time, he and Magnus had been in the middle of a passionate make-out session when someone yanked him back by the shoulder, clearly wanting nothing but to get to Magnus. He realized that the person was Amatis, Luke's sister, armed with a dagger. Just like she had in real life, she plunged the dagger towards Magnus's heart before his eyes. The next thing Alec knew, he was kneeling over Magnus's unmoving body, and unlike real life, Magnus was completely unresponsive, no matter what Alec tried to do to get him to breathe, open his eyes again. He began shouting in frustration, and that's when he woke up.

Nothing was worth that pain. He simply could not handle Magnus dying. Magnus had never really died in any of his dreams before, just disappeared. Watching it actually happen tore Alec apart, and he cried softly into his pillow until he was too exhausted to do so anymore.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

In order to prepare himself for what he was about to do, Alec made a quick stop at Taki's for a few drinks. He'd asked for the strongest thing they had, which turned out to be some green faerie concoction. After three drinks he was effectively tipsy and decided he felt confident enough to head to his true destination of the night. He hailed a taxi and gave the greasy-looking man in the driver's seat Magnus's address.

In Magnus's building he stumbled up the stairs, tripping once and catching himself on the banister. When he reached Magnus's floor, he stood and stared down the hall at his door for a moment, considering turning around, going home, and forgetting the whole thing.

How would Magnus even react to seeing him? Would he let Alec in and help him with his problem? Would he speak to him at all or would he just ignore Alec until he gave up and left? He had no clue and instantly felt as though he had made a mistake in coming. Magnus was unpredictable; Alec could picture him both inviting him inside and turning him away.

The drinks he'd had earlier were of no use to him now. They'd managed to get him to Magnus's apartment but now he wasn't even sure if he could go over and knock on the door.

He took one step backwards and then thought, _I did not just spend twenty bucks on a cab for nothing_ , and briskly walked over to Magnus's door and knocked—somewhat loudly—three times.

Alec's heartbeat sped up in anticipation. After a minute, he began to worry, a million thoughts running through his head at once. Had he looked through the peep hole, seen him, and turned right back around? Was he boycotting all outside contact today? Too lazy to get up off the couch? Working on something in the study? In bed already? Out?

Another minute passed, and Alec figured it would be best for him to go. Whatever the reason, Magnus wasn't coming to the door.

He had almost made it back to the stairs when he heard the sound of a door opening behind him, followed by a soft gasp, and then, a voice full of disbelief. "Alexander?"

Alec slowly turned to face Magnus and was greeted by the sight of him half-asleep, hair mussed, wearing a bewildered expression. They stared at each other without saying a word, until Alec broke the silence by choking out, "I need your help." Magnus didn't respond; he only continued to stare at Alec as if he were hallucinating.

Alec swallowed. "I have money," he went on. "I can pay you. I just—Please, I really need your help. I wouldn't come here unless I was desperate." He stopped a second to take a breath in hopes that his voice would be steadier when he continued. "I will never bother you again after tonight. Just... Please."

Magnus's face had transformed into an expression of somewhat understanding while he was listening. His eyes were serious and his mouth was set in a grim line. "Come in," he said finally.

Magnus stepped to the side to let Alec through. Alec slowly made his way to the living room while Magnus took his time shutting the door. Feeling too uncomfortable in the given situation to sit down, Alec instead stood awkwardly in the center of the room until Magnus silently appeared.

"You've redecorated," was all he could think to say.

Magnus nodded once, glancing around the room and seeing it through Alec's eyes. The walls were now painted navy blue, scarcely decorated, and the small amount of furniture he had was all black. It must have looked like he was in mourning. And in a way, he was, not that he particularly cared to admit it. Especially when the cause of his grief now stood just a few feet away.

At that moment his eyes fell on Alec and Magnus sighed. No matter how much he wanted things to go back to the way they were, it was impossible. There is no use in dwelling on the past, he told himself. What's done is done.

"Why are you here, Alexander?" he asked.

"I need your—"

"Yes, I know that," Magnus cut him off. "With what?"

"Dreams," Alec said, then sighed as if he had been defeated in some way. "Okay, nightmares. Really terrible nightmares." The carpet suddenly seemed to pique his interest.

"Nightmares about what?"

"About..." Alec met Magnus's eyes, even though he felt like he was about to lose his strength break down at any second. It was hard for him to believe he was actually having this conversation. "About you... about losing you." His voice had grown softer with every word.

Magnus kept eye contact for a few seconds after Alec had finished speaking, the lowered his head. He should have known this had something to do with him. He had imagined he had wounded Alec a great deal, but not this badly. Not to the point where he haunted Alec's nights, torturing him until he felt like he couldn't stand it anymore.

Magnus scoffed bitterly, shook his head, then looked back up at Alec, and when he did so, all the anger in his eyes was directed at the universe. Alec thought it was directed at him, though, and shrank back into himself under Magnus's gaze. It hurt Magnus to hurt Alec, and he wanted to be helping him now, but here he was causing him more unnecessary pain. So Magnus did his best to soften his gaze and speak with a neutral voice when he opened his mouth to say, "I can help you, but I don't think you're going to like it."

"I don't care what it is," Alec said immediately. "Whatever it is that you have to do will be worth it."

Magnus sighed. "There is nothing I can do to stop you from dreaming... But I can take away your memories of me, so you'll have no reason to dream about me."

Alec let out a small gasp in surprise. That was certainly not what he'd been expecting Magnus to say.

"That's what I thought. Now, you have to be very sure about this, because there is no way I could undo it. Well, I could, but I wouldn't be able to put you through that a second time and live with myself." He muttered the last part, but Alec heard it.

"Why should you care? You're the one who broke up with me."

Now Magnus was angry with him. "Contrary to popular belief, the person who does the breaking up does not always escape unharmed. Don't you remember, Alexander, _aku cinta kamu_?"

"Not that that changes anything," Alec retorted, only succeeding in making Magnus more furious.

"Not when it comes to my decision to end our relationship, no. What you did was unforgivable. But I still care about you for some reason. The heart does not always listen to the head, it seems." Magnus ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "So, what will it be?"

"... No," Alec said.

"No?"

"No. As much as I would like to be free of these nightmares, it's not worth sacrificing all of my memories of you. Most of them, if you recall, were happy. Some of the happiest memories of my life."

Magnus looked at him blankly. "Get out, then," was all he said. He made to turn away but Alec prevented him from doing so.

"Is that all you have to say?"

"What else is there to say?" Magnus threw up his hands. "I told you there is nothing that you could do to change my mind. I may not like what I did, but I had to do it."

"I messed up! I know. I'm not perfect."

"Nor am I."

"I'm young, I make mistakes," Alec went on as if Magnus hadn't spoken. "Colossal mistakes, obviously. I'm clearly not a relationship expert. I don't have the wisdom or experience that you do to know any better. And I could take what I've learned from this and go on and live my life and know how to handle things better in the future, but I don't want to. I don't want to try again with someone else. I want to try again with you. Because _aku cinta kamu_ , and for me, that changes everything."

Magnus began to say something but never got the chance to finish his thought, because in the second that he hesitated Alec had taken the few steps that separated them and pulled the warlock's face down to his.

The kiss only lasted for a half a minute, but that's all it took for Magnus's resolve to crumble.

Alec pulled back, looking adorable with flushed cheeks and dilated pupils. "I'm sorry," he said, and tried to back up farther. Magnus caught his wrist, halting him. "What?" he asked, voice full of confusion.

Magnus couldn't find the words to describe what had changed. He didn't entirely know himself. All he knew was that the combination of Alec's words and that kiss was enough to make him feel like he could forgive Alec of his mistake. Even if he couldn't do so completely, immediately, he was able to excuse Alec of the mistake he had called totally unforgivable just a few minutes ago in that moment, and nothing else seemed to matter. Because now he felt there was a possibility that they could start over, anew, and hopefully not make the same mistakes a second time.

"Magnus?" Alec tried to call him out of his reverie. "What are you thinking?" Magnus was looking at him with a face full of wonder, while Alec stared back in bemusement.

"How incredibly stupid I was to... I mean, it's _you_ , Alec." Magnus reached out to stroke the side of his face and Alec allowed himself a little smile. 

"So... does that mean...?"

"You stupid Nephilim," Magnus regarded him fondly and brought him close for another kiss. "Of course."


End file.
